


The Tablet of Apoidean Spirits

by isthemachinesinging



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2013-04-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 03:46:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isthemachinesinging/pseuds/isthemachinesinging
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean, Sam, and Kevin are in the Batcave trying to translate one very odd tablet with the help of Metatron. Set sometime after "Goodbye Stranger."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tablet of Apoidean Spirits

Kevin is bent over the tablet. “This one…it’s weird. I don’t know what to make of it.”

Dean sighs, runs a hand over his eyes. It’s been a long few days in the Batcave. “Well, at least you’ve got the whole thing. Took you one night to translate the Dick tablet, months to translate the Demon one—“

“That one was broken, Dean.” Sam interrupts. “I’m sure Kevin would have been—“

“Yes, Kevin would have.” Kevin answers tensely. “I don’t mean I can’t translate this, I mean…I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be about.”

They both look over at the man lounging in the corner. He raises his beer to them in a salute. “S’for you. I’m just here for the Angel Tablet.”

“You wrote this.” Dean’s pretty tired of the guy. Cas just showed up with him in tow. _This is Metatron_  was all he’d said before winging off again. He had kept the angel tablet, and Dean felt like they’d been stuck with a houseguest who wouldn’t leave. “And if you’re here for the angel tablet, why don’t you get Cas to bring it to us so Kevin can translate it—“

“Angel Tablet’s not for you. Castiel is keeping it safe.” The guy—archangel, whatever—is pretty easygoing, but this is one thing he’s been firm about. He waves his hand at the tablet in Kevin’s hand. “That one’s for you. For humanity. Like the Leviathan and Demon Tablets. Angel Tablet’s for us.”

“But it doesn’t make sense.” Kevin refuses to give up the point. Metatron sighs, brushing hair back from his eyes, and swings a chair out to sit across the table from him.

“All right, Kevin Tran, Sole Keeper of the Word on Earth. I am a very clear scribe. So what is it that you don’t understand?”

Kevin hesitates, then turns the tablet slightly. “Here, this section…talks about, uh, the apoidean spirits?”

The other man slaps his knee and laughs delightedly. “Yes! Loved that!”

“Uh…I’m not sure, but I think that means…bee souls? Bee ghosts?”

“I  _told_  you I make perfect sense. Those were my idea. I thought we should give immortal souls to bees. Made just as much sense as giving them to humans, begging all your pardons. Ensoul  _everything_ , that’s what I always said. There’s plenty of soul energy in the multiverse. But the Boss didn’t like it. Said it would be trouble enough just humans.” For a moment he looks dejected.

Kevin stares at him. “And this…” He points to another part of the tablet. “It talks about, um, a great creature of the sea—“

Sam leans forward in alarm. “Like Leviathan?”

At Dean’s look, he explains, “Biblical Leviathan was a sea creature. Lots of people thought it was…whales, or something.”

“No, not…a creature like that. Like, a fish. But this says…it’s a fish that could grant wishes.”

Metatron is glaring at him. “I  _loved_  that fish. _Loved_  it. Told the Boss, best idea ever. You just need one of ‘em, make it immortal, give it the ability to manipulate space and time according to expressed desires.” He waves his hand. “It would have been  _perfect_.”

“But people shouldn’t be able to just wish for things and have them come true. We’ve run into things like that before—“

‘’—more than once—“ Dean interrupts his brother.

Sam nods at Dean, “—and it’s been disastrous every time.”

Metatron taps the tablet. “But you learn your lesson. That’s why it was a good idea. You can’t always get what you want. Or you shouldn’t, anyway.” He sighs, looking down sadly at his own writing. “Oh, I loved that fish.”

“So…” Sam looks from Kevin, to Metatron, and turns back to Dean with an  _are you hearing this_   _I think this guy might be crazy_ look, which Dean responds to with a slight shrug. Metatron may be out of his mind, but he’s their best hope of convincing Cas to come back. “This tablet…is like…things you  _suggested_ —to  _God_?”

“That he turned down?” Dean can’t help adding. It’s funny. He’s pissed, Cas is off God knows where, apparently with the only important tablet, and they’re stuck with this useless tablet, but it’s still funny.

Metatron glares at him. “I’ll have you know He did not pass on  _all_ of my ideas.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Let me guess. Platypus was your idea? They say God was drunk when He did that one, but right now? I’d bet on you.”

“God does not  _create_  individual species, Dean. There is some manipulation of the potentialities of Creation to obtain the desired outcome. But…no, platypus wasn’t mine.” He plucks the tablet out of Kevin’s hand with a flourish, glancing quickly and then pointing to one particular set of markings triumphantly.

“Uh, dude? Not a prophet. Can’t read it.”

“ _Dinosaurs_ , Dean!” Metatron drops the tablet back in front of Kevin, who grabs at it half-heartedly. Dean can’t blame him. He’s convinced at this point that the tablet is a distraction.  _Cas, where are you?_

“My very best idea,” Metatron continues enthusiastically. “Told the Boss He should manipulate the potentialities of reptilians and make these fantastic creatures. He was worried with the big ones, you know, that they’d go a bit Leviathan. But it worked out perfectly. Oh, we loved them! So much more interesting than apes—begging all your pardons again—though of course they were not ensouled, so we couldn’t use them as vessels.” Metatron looks as if he sincerely regrets this shortcoming.

“What the hell does anything on this tablet matter?” Dean’s done with it. “Cas is off with the angel tablet, Heaven’s been screwing with his brain—and I’m not convinced you’re not part of it. And you’ve got us here with this—this _crap_.”

“It’s the heritage of Creation, Dean. I thought it was worth giving to humanity.” He looks around, takes all of them in. “And I have told you. The Angel Tablet is not for you. Castiel will return soon. He is keeping the Tablet safe, away from humanity, as he should. And, unfortunately, it is necessary that he protect it from Heaven as well.”

Dean leans back in his chair, swearing silently to himself. He doesn’t trust this angel, doesn’t trust that Cas has really escaped Heaven’s mind control, or whatever the hell they were doing to him. The more times they’re told the angel tablet isn’t for them, the more he’s convinced they’re being lied to. But still, there’s something about this…

“Ghost bees and a wishing fish, man,” he sighs. 

**Author's Note:**

> For those who don't know, the wishing fish, ghost bees, and dinosaurs are all story ideas Ben Edlund has pitched (repeatedly) for Supernatural.


End file.
